THE FUTURE OF LIBRARIES IS...

<drumroll>

library users.

Thank you. You may go back to work.

Google gives over one million results for "a solution in search of a problem." So there should be a word for that, right? If there isn't one, make one up and create a Wikipedia for it with some bogus reference to a German text citing "Lösungnichtproblem," a solution without a problem.

Libraries are continually pushing new solutions to imagined problems. When, to quote the scholar Johnny Rotten, "the problem is you."

Problem, what you gonna do?

Here is what I see in my library. This is the library patron who hasn't visited any library in many years:

I haven't been to a library since I was a little girl.
What brought you in today?

• I'm tired of buying shit that I can get for free.
• I also don't need to own more shit.
• I just want to read the book or watch the movie or listen to the album and then get it the hell out of my house.
• I don't want my family to have to sell a whole bunch of crap after I die.

Well, then, the library is here for you.

That's your motherfucking library customer.

There's no reason to chase the customer who can't think of a reason, all on his own, to visit the library. You don't need him.

That NEW THING is not going to get that person to visit the library.

But since you work in a library and you don't know what else to do with your time, I suspect you'll buy that NEW THING.

Did you hire more staff when you did that NEW THING?
No
So existing staff need to find time to learn this NEW THING?
Yes
And spend time not helping your existing customers?
Yes.
THEN DON'T DO THAT NEW THING.

Why would you neglect your existing customers to chase after some hypothetical new customer?

Do you enjoy making people unhappy?

If you look at your visitor stats and your circulation stats and your program stats, and
everything looks good, then why are you fucking with anything?

Did you find new money to spend on this new thing?

If not, did you survey your users to see if they agree with diverting money away from old
things to this new thing?

But let's assume you answer Yes to having new money for new things. And we'll also assume everyone has time to learn this new thing. And you're not really sure what the new thing will do for your library users, but you're read about some success with the new thing at other libraries.

Then, by all means, do it. You have my blessing.

The Evolution of 3D Printing at the Library

ALL YOUR DATA ARE BELONG TO US

I heard another story recently about DATA, BIG DATA and how RICH we will all be when we finally learn how to make money from it. And I'm pretty sure I called, BULLSHIT.

I have bad news: the world has plans for your data. And those plans don't involve you.

What is Facebook? What is Google+? What even is Reddit? These are places on the internet. Not the internet: places. I don't even think you would call these places web portals anymore; they are communities. And they want to make sure you never leave.

What is Google for that matter? It's not the internet. It's a location. You know that Google can alter how it scores different websites so that some show up near the top of the search results and some drop to the bottom. And some probably don't make the cut at all. We know this if we work in libraries because most of our subscription databases aren't indexed in Google. So they don't exist on the internet. All of that content is available through your library and it doesn't really exist online because it can't be found through a Google search.

The Internet becomes smaller each day. Some people spend their whole day on Facebook. For them, the internet is Facebook. But we know that the internet is 1000 times bigger than Facebook. But not for many many many people.

So if you spend all day on Facebook or Twitter or even using Google, you are a captive audience. Any perceived freedom you feel you have while roaming the internet is simply an illusion. Unless you are your own ISP; and if so, bully for you.

And what does that mean to a company? To Facebook, it's free labor. If you spend all day there, Facebook grows richer as you click on the stories and games they show you. Your choices dwindle because you have chosen to give your time to Facebook. And these choices tell Facebook who you are and what you are as a dataset. You become predictable. Which means Facebook doesn't need you. A computer can reproduce your actions on Facebook. Your predictability has become predictable. All your data become worthless.

The same is true with Google. It would take a million million cameras mounted on every street to collect all the information in the real world that gets collected about us every day.

The only way your data are valuable is when you do not know you are being observed. And when the world learned that the USA was watching everyone, we learned that we were under scrutiny. I can guess that all the data collected over the last couple of weeks is crap since anyone worth watching altered everything they did. Patterns were lost. But since the USA knows that everyone knew they were being watched, they can just create a subset of new data for the last two weeks. New patterns to compare with the old.

We want to be clever and hide from whoever watches us, but we're never clever enough.

Let me explain my understanding of our current level of online or consumer anonymity. I'm not very smart, so I'll keep it simple so I don't lose focus and wander off.

You see a coupon in the paper for $1 off beef jerky. You take it to the store and save $1. Now there may be some code on that coupon that tells the company in which newspaper in or which region of the country it appeared, but unless you use a credit card for your jerky purchase, you remain anonymous.

But if the beef jerky company offers that $1 coupon in exchange for your email address, along with the promise of future coupons, then that company can begin to build some data profile for you. Even if it's a bullshit email address that you only use for jerky coupons, it's still information. And if some day you forget or get sloppy and use that email for something important, then the jerky company, or more accurately, the company collecting the data and reporting to the jerky company, will then have solid data about you. And then the company collecting the data compiles it with all the other data until it creates some kind of profile it can sell to other companies not involved in the delicious world of jerky manufacturing.

And when enough people respond to the online bait and get hooked, the jerky company will cease to offer those mostly anonymous print coupons. Because the data collected from the email campaign has become so much more important.

And you continue to collect those valuable jerky coupons in your email along with every other person. But since those others are not nearly as clever as you, the jerky company learns much more about them than they do about you. So their data are more valuable.

And then you, still relatively anonymous because you are so clever, find that your coupons stop arriving? What? And you go back to the website to enter your email address again, but it gets rejected. Why?

Because the jerky company doesn't need you anymore. It has enough consumer data. And you have been priced out of the market. You're no longer worth that $1 coupon. Or worse, you were never as clever as you thought you were because the data company was able to collect the data from everyone around you which gave them a clear picture of what and who you are simply by your proximity to known data. Have you ever heard the term, "I drink your milkshake"?

I keep hearing these stories about the value in my data. But there is nothing that proves that my data are worth anything. That's driving me crazy; I'm going to treat the word 'data' as singular from now on... since the goal of these companies is to isolate my data from everyone else's, my data will eventually become indistinguishable from me. Singular.

And if you look at the way the internet works, you know that it only takes a small percentage of internet users to determine what has value, what is trending. The internet doesn't really need me, or you.

So imagine that your online worth or even your credit is no good. Imagine if you can't get a free Gmail or Facebook or Pinterest account because no one wants your worthless data.

And from what I can understand, the internet is run by the same market forces we see in other commodities whereby manufacturers attempt to drive down the cost of labor and materials in order to increase profits. And guess what? On the internet, you are the labor and your data is the material.

Imagine being so discovered and understood and known that no company wants to show you ads anymore. Because everyone knows where you eat lunch, how you shop, when you go to the movies, etc.

BIG DATA had its way with you. Now BIG DATA is bored with you. And BIG DATA just wants you out of the apartment.

evolution of the library: using books

Librarian Job Seekers: RUN!

I know you've seen the library job posts seeking dynamic energetic trendspotting trainspotting spotty-bottomed socially-networked fun daring crunk super-powered candidates to bring new and fantastic ideas to the hiring organization.

And you probably thought that you might apply.

But I say, DO NOT.

The answer should be a simple question asked to the advertising library: Why the fuck don't you have any of those people at your library now?

Why does this library need dynamic people? Are the current ones sloths? Are those sloths still living in the 1950s?

This is what I expect with happen when you get that job:

YOUR NEW BOSS: Here are some more push pins and JCPenney catalogs for the library's Pinterest account. Make sure you pin lots of nice stuff.

YOU: It doesn't work like..

YOUR NEW BOSS: Let me know when you need more pins.

 OR...

YOUR NEW BOSS: How come our library Twitter account doesn't have one million friends yet? That Kutcher boy got a million in just a few days.

YOU: The library has over 7,000 followers. That's very good for a library serving a population of 10,000.

YOUR NEW BOSS: Oh, is it now?

And YOUR NEW BOSS will think you suck. Because YOUR NEW BOSS never had a fucking clue about what YOUR NEW BOSS wanted or needed or what to expect from any new librarian.

Don't you wonder about a library that seems so desperate to post a job description like that? What it tells me is that everyone is way past retirement age and the ones doing the hiring are totally clueless. Like they want a librarian, you, to come in and make up for the last 30 years of all those employees who clung to the belief that computers were just a fad and if they just sat quietly at their desks and never touched theirs, they would never need to. And it will be your job to get them into the 21st century in a week-and-a-half. Why would you want to try to clean up that mess? Who wants to be the sole excited dynamic fun librarian in a crowd of fossils? You will be miserable.

Or worse. And this is worse. That you will be part of a group of young librarians who are all super dynamic and full of energy and who stab each other in the back for a tiny sliver of the library's paltry book and supply budget, and that you'll go broke buying Carmex for all the ass you'll have to smooch just to stay in the game.

Either way: RUN.

Data, data. Who's got the data?

Not only do you not own your data, you don't want to.

It was while wearing my peril-sensitive sunglasses that I understood the current consumer trend toward privacy being SEP (Somebody Else's Problem).

When I put on my sunglasses, or specifically, the Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses, they were already black. I moved to another room, yet still the lenses remained totally darkened. I removed them and saw no tiger nor vampire nor Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

It took that instance to make me realize that my temporary blindness caused by my glasses was directly related to the constant peril that is all around me. But what was it that was so potentially perilous?

After some experimentation, my current theory is that it's "the cloud."

Cloud Computing isn't that scary in small bits, such as your email account. But the cloud as the standard delivery model for all computer services is what is terrifying. But that is what consumers, what you (and I), have already chosen.

So let me explain the horror since you obviously can't, or you choose not to, see it.

The cloud is like having a bank account. You put something somewhere, in this case money in a bank, and the bank sends that money off as loans to individuals, other banks, etc. The money is gone. It only exists as data that shows how much money you should be able to withdraw if the bank had that cash on hand. But really, the money is both gone and not gone. You never know whether there is any money at all in your bank. But to keep everyone from freaking out, the FDIC guarantees your money is somewhere and you should be able to get it back if something happened to the bank.

But what about other cloud products? What about email? Is it safe? This is probably the first cloud product each of us had. There isn't much you can do without an email account.

But have you ever lost access to an email account? I see someone every week who loses access to his email because he forgot his password or forgot security questions or didn't set up an alternate email. Does anyone insure this access? No. When the cloud fails, there is no backup. I guess you could export everything someplace else, but who does that?

In order for the cloud to function, you need to trust it completely. Give it access to all your other cloud accounts and let it back up your terrestrial data.

And once that happens, is your data still your data? What are the terms of service for all these clouds?

When everything is on your phone and each app on that phone is tied to a different cloud service, what happens to all your data? What do they do with it (them)? And WHO are THEY? Isn't it easier to just let them have your data and do whatever the hell they want? 

Do you really want to know? I mean, do you really really really want to know?

Of course not. And the sunglasses go black.


all italicized references copyright Douglas Adams, RIP.

Buying an MLS, Part II

How Broke Would You Be with Library Certification?

People argue every year about the MLS, that it doesn't teach what it should, or that it costs too much, or that it's unfair to people who don't have time to get it or are too lazy to get it or are too stupid to get it or are too drunk to get it, or that it doesn't stand for Major League Soccer.

So as a reference, I took a brief look at what it takes to become a certified Library Media Specialist in the state of New York.

First, there is all this shit:

Requirements for Permanent Certificate, School Media Specialist (Library)
Following are all possible pathways available to receive the certificate specified above. The specific requirements to satisfy each pathway are also listed. 
 
 Pathway: Certificate Progression
Requirements:
 Hold a Valid Provisional Certificate - School Media Specialist (Library)
 Additional Education - Masters Degree
 Paid, full-time Classroom Teaching experience - 2 Yrs
 Workshop - Child Abuse Identification
 Workshop - School Violence Intervention and Prevention
 Fingerprint Clearance
 Citizenship Status - INS Permanent Residence or U.S. Citizenship

Well, I don't remember exactly what it took to get my MLS, but I don't remember any 2 yrs of paid library experience or Library Violence Intervention workshops or even getting fingerprinted. I just showed up at the back door of the library and two weeks later, I picked up a check.

And after all that, there's this:

If you are employed in a New York State public school…
You must complete 175 hours of professional development every five years. This maintains the validity of the Professional certificate and allows you to continue to teach. The first professional development period begins on July 1 following the effective date of the certificate.

175 hours? That's longer than it took for James Franco to drink his own pee and saw off his arm. So that extra 48 hours might have me also sawing off my own foot.

And then there's testing, the New York State Teacher Certification Examinations. The one for Media Specialist will certify that you (0001-0005 and others omitted)

0006 Understand types and characteristics of print, nonprint, and electronic resources.
0007 Understand types and characteristics of literature for children and young adults.
0008 Understand issues and procedures related to collection development.
0011 Understand how to locate and access resources and how to teach these skills to students.

Now I'll stop here. Because 0011 would kill me. Because, yes, although I understand how to locate and access resources, I have not a fucking clue on how to teach these skills to library patrons who don't have more than 15 seconds of free time and who don't listen to what I say and who are probably hallucinating that I'm some talking moose there to steal his gold.

I can't imagine all the shit a public librarian would need to know for certification:

0001 Understand types and characteristics of library patrons, including loonies, crazies, smellies, normals, babies, seniors and tweens.
0014 Understand types and characteristics of portable reading devices such as Kindles, iPads, iPhones and Androids and Chinese knockoffs of all of the above.

So when you complain about the expense or relevance of the MLS, think about what it might be like to work in a career with continual professional requirements.