Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Slit Heard Round the World

Internet, you're an asshole.

I can't believe that you think that Angelina Jolie didn't get the joke of her leg. Really? Did you see her? She actually thrusts it out in an obvious display and you don't realize that she is aware of the humor?

If Will Farrell did it, you'd laugh your ass off because he's hilarious and no one would mock him for thinking he was behaving stupidly. Because it was a joke.

But yet, you can't see the joke when Angelina does it?

You can't see it? No, you didn't see it. Look, again. Come, on. You know that when she saw that dress and that slit she said, "This slit demands that I show my leg. So I'm going to show my leg. I must bow to the will of the dress."

I didn't think you needed this lesson. But clearly, you didn't get it. It was bad enough when that bald asshole made fun of her when he was on stage for his award, but when you, the internet, spent the entire next day oblivious to it and Photoshopping the leg into fucking everything. It just proved that you did not get it.

You didn't give her credit for being able to pull off that gag. You let Sasha Baron Cohen do it. He could do spill dead dictator on Ryan Seacrest and you'd laugh till you peed.

I know for a fact that someone is going to put that same dress in a movie and use that same gag and say, "I must bow to the will of the dress" and you're going to shit yourself. Let's see when they do it in Bridesmaids 2.

So fuck you, internet because you wouldn't know a joke when it's protruding from a Versace gown and staring you right in the face.

And why am I so upset? Because I tell jokes all the time that you never get.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Each and every ebook costs $99.

I hadn't read the recent Cracked article on ebooks, but I just did and now I understand that every ebook you buy costs you $99. Or $79. Or whatever it was you paid for your ereader.

And this is what told me: #7. You Need Physical Books for Physical Tasks

One of the reasons they say that physical books are better than ebooks is for when you need a physical object. And this is the key. A book is a physical object. And an ereader is a physical object. It doesn't matter that it holds 3,000 ebooks; it's still one object.

If you have a portable ereader or an iPad or a smart phone or even a laptop, then each and every ebook you put on that device costs as much as the device.

There is no way to average out the cost of all your books when you drop your reader in the toilet. You don't pay 3 cents to Amazon or Barnes & Noble each time you open a book. You pay $79 or $99 or $199 up front and it's up to you to find the most cost-effective way to use the thing.

You can get print books and each one of those costs exactly what you pay for it, ten cents or two-hundred dollars. And you make decisions on how and where and to whom to lend or when to read those books. And each individual physical book has its own worth.

But if you get mad and throw your ebook at someone: $99.
If you use your ebook to shelter your new haircut from the rain: $99.
If you use your ebook to keep the table from wobbling: $99.
If you repurpose your ebook as a Christmas tree ornament: $99.
If you hollow out your ebook to use as a bong: $99.
If Neil Gaiman scribbles his autograph across your ebook screen in Sharpie: $99.
If you write your phone number on the corner of your ebook and tear it off: $99.

Because you still have to replace the device no matter how many books it held.

So don't try to trick yourself into thinking that the device gets cheaper with each book you load on it. It doesn't. You're just bad at math.

Monday, February 20, 2012

... and other BAD IDEAS libraries have had

These are some BAD IDEAS that librarians have had. And I'll start with ebooks. Because I know you love them.

Fact: ebooks are a bad idea. For everyone.

ebooks are bad because of our 21st Century sense of entitlement. The internet has changed how we feel about everything. Meaning that we've become thieves and any legitimate deal that doesn't support our criminal nature is a bad one. Have you ever downloaded a song that you should have paid for? Ripped a CD? DVD? Stripped DRM? Then I'm speaking to you, hoodlum.

We, meaning you, are a generation who feels that if we can do something, we should do it. And computers make much of this really easy. It used to be that only the rich had the power to exploit the labors of others, but thanks to the internet, we can all do it.

But we don't have that control with ebooks.

So let's compare an ebook to a (printed/paper) pbook:

  1. leased, never owned
  2. some publishers won't sell to libraries
  3. online storage and access is expensive
  4. must lease new copy when the original reaches its lending limit
  5. patrons can’t donate used copies to library
  6. can’t trade or sell excess copies
  7. no free prepubs
  8. seemingly no staff time required for reshelving, repairing, labeling
  9. lots of staff time spent on instruction
  10. no Dewey
  11. no need to dispose of anything since you don't own anything to begin with
  12. TSA will stop you and check your ereader to make sure it's not a bomb
  1. purchased outright, but often leased
  2. we buy what we want
  3. brick and mortar storage and access is expensive
  4. must purchase new copy when the original reaches its maximum damage limit
  5. can accept some donations for collection and most donations for “book sale” shelf
  6. can do whatever the hell we want with excess copies
  7. boxes of prepubs no one will ever read
  8. lots of staff time for shelving
  9. all reading levels are welcome
  10. some Dewey required
  11. endless used book sales
  12. a hollowed-out dictionary is a great place to hide a gun
Hmm. There's no clear winner, there, is there? Not a winner based on this simple comparison, but probably a winner if you gave each answer a point value. And that's the key; librarians give 1,000 points to Ownership and Control and then give maybe 5 points to Ability to sell unneeded copies.

We want electronic books to behave exactly like print books. We want the control we have over print, but without all the hassle of print. So ebooks are bad for librarians because we really don't know how to make them work for us in the library. Even though there are many other things we pay for but down own. Here other things we lease that most librarians don’t think of as bad ideas: buildings. online resources. computer hardware. software licenses. copiers. internet access.

So it really just comes down to convenience. ebooks are a convenient format for some people, but a pretty big pain in the ass for libraries to manage. Yet you love them. You must be a cat person.

And now here is a mix of BAD and GOOD ideas about ebooks:

How eBooks can help or hurt libraries.
I don't know which, yet, because I don't think anyone is doing this stuff.

What ebooks can do for libraries is solve demand problems. What we need is to negotiate short-term, high-use contracts. We need 200 copies of each bestseller for 5 weeks. But I don't know any way to figure out what would be a fair cost for this.

And we should also find a way to negotiate directly with publishers so we can have more control of our ebooks. What if we told a publisher, "We'll give you access to our circulation statistics so you can figure out what to charge for your back catalog. Why? you ask. Did you know that Agatha Christie's The Murder at the Vicarage circulated 12x more than The Murder of Roger Ackroyd? Libraries have that information; you don't. If you try to price everything the same, it's not going to move nearly as well as if you price it according to demand. But with this data, you can price according to demand." Is this a GOOD or BAD idea? I have no idea.

We'll let you put ads in our ebooks. In the past, you've put ads in our print books. We, we didn't let you do it, but we didn't complain.

And to keep my promise, here are some other really BAD IDEAS that librarians have:

Hiring someone who's still in library school for a position that doesn't require a degree. Because you know that person isn't going to stay in that position for long and you're just going to have to hire and train a whole new person. I hate being put in a position where the most qualified person for the job is currently in school so she can get a better job 5-6 months down the road. Frankly, I don't want to hire her because I know I'm going to need to fill her spot so soon.

I always think it's a BAD idea to sell your the naming of your library to some rich person. Unless, as I've said before, you get $50 million for the privilege. But anything less and you're ripping off your taxpayers. Basically, you've sold out everyone in your community who pays to support the library. They're now supporting some rich dude's legacy.

And then how can you reward your local hero? You can save 100 children from a burning building and you won't get your name on that library. You could single-handledly stop an alien invasion, and no library. You could kick Donald Trump in the balls and still, no library. Although I think you might be able to negotiate a Turnpike service plaza: "Hey, ma, the Kicked Donald Trump in the Balls service plaza is coming up; can we stop and get some chicken?" (but for legal reasons, please don't kick Donald Trump in the balls.)

Monday, February 13, 2012

Boobs for Books.

Have you heard? April 12 is the first Boobs for Books event.

What? What’s Boobs for Books?
It’s a fundraising event in support of Books for Teens which focuses on raising money to get books into the hands of needy young adults. Or boobs into the hands of nerdy young adults. Whatever.

How do you get involved?
The idea is that people around the country, and maybe around the world, will sponsor a Boobs for Books fundraising event on April 12. Do you have boobs? Do you know someone with boobs? Then you can help!

Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. You might have a boob discussion group that night and ask those who attend to donate an amount of their choice to Books for Teens. Who doesn't want to talk about boobs? Celebrity boobs, whether someone has real or fake boobs, the discussion is endless. Or, you might have a happy hour at your home and raffle off a prize to attendees who flash a little skin. You could host something at a local bar or restaurant and raise funds via an uncover charge. Or, you could have a progressive party and at each participating location have a boob auction. The more boobs, the more books. We don't care how your boobs get books, but boobs have a way of making some people give up their hard-earned money and we want to take that money to buy books.

And speaking of Boobs for Books cocktails, and not Cocks for Books which is our May 9 event, why not create boob themed cocktails for your Boobs for Books event? For example, a Slippery Nipple is 1/2 oz Irish cream, 1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps.

We've got a Pinterest Board ready for your photos and recipes. Snap a picture of your specially created cocktail near your boobs and post it on the Board. Or, grab an image of the uncovered boob that inspired your recipe and post that along with the recipe. Maybe your boob-themed cocktail will be tested and tasted by those in another part of the country. Boob-tasting is one of the quickest ways to raise money for books.

Over the next several weeks you’ll hear more about Boobs for Books here on the blog, on the Books for Teens Faceboob, um, Facebook page, and on other social media outlets. Talk with your friends and colleagues about the event and get started planning what you are going to do. You don’t want to miss the first, and last, ever Boobs for Books. Because we know someone's going to jail for this.

this is fake page, but almost all of it was stolen, word for word, but with many added letter 'B's from the real page which is here, http://yalsa.ala.org/blog/2012/02/09/booze-for-books-dont-miss-it/