Holy Crap. Some guy at Forbes wrote an article called, "If I Were A Poor Black Kid." Why a poor, black kid? Why didn't he just say, "If I were a kid"? If you remove "poor black" from his essay, it still makes grammatical sense AND it doesn't sound like some WHITE guy just got total amnesia about our history. So if you read the article, just try to ignore that it's completely misplaced advice, but try to focus on the details. Otherwise, damn, he sounds stupid.
With that in mind, I'm going to attempt to solve all the problems of the out-of-work librarian. And it will probably sound just as stupid.
IF I WERE A POOR OUT-OF-WORK LIBRARIAN.
If you're a librarian and unemployed, I don't need to tell you that there are lots of other librarians out there looking for a job.
If I were a poor, out-of-work librarian, I would read "If I Were A Poor Black Kid." And I would do what the author says to do about "getting technical." Most of this stuff can be learned through your local library. I hope you knew that.
If possible, I would learn another language. As much as I could. I would give up my free time and devote every second to making myself the most attractive candidate for the job. But for now, I'll assume you've made it past the application stage and have been called for an interview.
If I were a poor, out-of-work librarian, I would visit my target library and use all the databases and I would remember to mention them during the interview. I would browse the collection and check the place out. If possible, I'd wear casual clothes (so as not to stand out as an applicant) and visit the library early enough that I could change into my best clothes later. I wouldn't show up five minutes before my appointment looking like I just showed up five minutes before my appointment.
I would buy one good suit and have it tailored to fit like a good suit should. And if I'm a dude, two nice dress shirts and two nice ties. And one good pair of shoes that stay in the box and don't come out until interview day. If I were a poor out-of-work librarian, I'm not going to dress like one for my interview unless I want to remain a poor out-of-work librarian.
I'd think about getting a cheap wifi tablet, not so much to look cool, but to learn about how they work in order to show others, my future library customers. The good news is that many librarians in a position to hire you don't know crap about technology. They might have a smart phone, but they don't know much about it. I don't think one librarian around here understands the word "root" as related to computers. I bet saying, "I rooted my Nook" at your next interview gets you confused looks at most libraries; whereas I would ask, "What were the advantages or disadvantages in doing that?" And you'd best have an answer.
I would ask my employed librarian friends for help. Whatever they think would be useful. And based on their advice, I'd have some presentation ready, my storytime or some quick instruction on using something on the computer like email, attaching a document, anything I feel confident explaining clearly.
Keep anecdotes in mind. You will be asked about events where you needed to make decisions: don't worry if you have no library experience, at this point anything is useful. So long as it's recent and displays your professionalism. You will be asked about situations involving a conflict: the key is that there was some attempt at a resolution that didn't involve gunfire. Again, have a story in mind. If you're stuck, ask your librarian friend for help. And if you don't have an employed librarian friend, find one.
The bad news is that if you don't have a job, then library school ain't over. You need to keep learning. Why? Because you don't have a job.
And here is the worst part: look for work where the work is, even if it's 1,000 miles away. I would give up any idea of my dream job and just get hired. But I don't know if I could work for $25,000. In North Dakota.
Given my experience, I'd recommend creating some tutorials for computer instruction. Because that's what I need when I'm hiring. It shouldn't take more than a couple of days to come up with basic classes on how to teach the public a few internety things like:
Finding Friends on Facebook
Getting to Know Google+
Using OpenOffice: Calc, Writer, Impress
Tweeting like a Pro
Working in the Cloud
Portable Apps in your Pocket
If I were a poor, out-of-work librarian, I'd want to appear Intelligent, Reliable, Obedient. And definitely not an asshole. If you're not sure if you're asshole, take a look at your friends and your friends' friends. Any of them assholes? At least one of them should be, otherwise, it just might be you. Every group of friends includes an asshole; make sure it's somebody else.
I'd demonstrate a broad knowledge of the skills I learned in library school, but I'd focus on some specialized area of expertise when given the opportunity to speak during the interview. Maybe it's social networking, or gaming, or web design or children's programs, or whatever, but don't let that aspect overwhelm the interview. Start with the broad stuff, but work in the details when the conversation allows for it.
If I were a poor, out-of-work librarian, I wouldn't remain one for long.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
You have wasted your life.
Humans define our attempt at civilization by our shared beliefs, our shared experiences. We bond over our memories. Dogs sniff each other's asses, but humans want to know how much you loved last week's episode of Once Upon a Time.
So I wonder how the future will view us, with our shared experiences as compared to others. For example:
Where were you on December 7, 1941?
I was telling my ma that I was going to enlist. She cried. My pa even cried.
Where were you when President Kennedy was shot?
I spent the day with friends, telling them how beautiful they are. And getting high.
Where were you when we landed on the moon?
I was in front of the television. The whole world was in front of the television.
Where were you when on 9/11?
I went out and bought a gun.
Where were you when the first iPhone was released?
I was waiting in line!
I think we'll all remember where we were on June 29, 2007 for the rest of our lives. In 2017, the news media will look back on the 10-year anniversary of the first iPhone and on the lives of those it changed. What? You don't remember where you were on that day? Are you fucking kidding me?
We don't know who the first person was to buy an iPhone that day, but you can bet he was probably a fat, bald white guy in a Weezer tee-shirt. Or an Asian guy in a baseball cap. Or skinny white dude with an Alice Cooper haircut. Or it could have been a woman. There were a lot of women waiting in line to buy the first iPhone. And that's sad because then that makes the whole waiting in line for a hunk of plastic that no one uses anymore seem almost normal. (Does anyone still use the first gen iPhone?)
But, whoever that person is, fifty years from now, when he or she passes away, a country will mourn. And a new generation will ask, Where where you when the first person to buy an iPhone died? And the answer should be, if future human beings still have any standards, Who the fuck cares?
So I wonder how the future will view us, with our shared experiences as compared to others. For example:
Where were you on December 7, 1941?
I was telling my ma that I was going to enlist. She cried. My pa even cried.
Where were you when President Kennedy was shot?
I spent the day with friends, telling them how beautiful they are. And getting high.
Where were you when we landed on the moon?
I was in front of the television. The whole world was in front of the television.
Where were you when on 9/11?
I went out and bought a gun.
Where were you when the first iPhone was released?
I was waiting in line!
I think we'll all remember where we were on June 29, 2007 for the rest of our lives. In 2017, the news media will look back on the 10-year anniversary of the first iPhone and on the lives of those it changed. What? You don't remember where you were on that day? Are you fucking kidding me?
We don't know who the first person was to buy an iPhone that day, but you can bet he was probably a fat, bald white guy in a Weezer tee-shirt. Or an Asian guy in a baseball cap. Or skinny white dude with an Alice Cooper haircut. Or it could have been a woman. There were a lot of women waiting in line to buy the first iPhone. And that's sad because then that makes the whole waiting in line for a hunk of plastic that no one uses anymore seem almost normal. (Does anyone still use the first gen iPhone?)
But, whoever that person is, fifty years from now, when he or she passes away, a country will mourn. And a new generation will ask, Where where you when the first person to buy an iPhone died? And the answer should be, if future human beings still have any standards, Who the fuck cares?
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
What I Wish I'd Learned in Library School.
What is a library?
This might seem obvious, but it's not. You also might think that it's something one might want to already know before applying to library school, but again, not obvious. It's like thinking you know what a business is before you enter Business school. There are probably ten thousand different kinds of businesses and ten thousand different ways to manage them. The same with libraries.
Libraries are essentially businesses. They are also government. They are public or private, funded by grants, foundations, donations, millage taxes, sales taxes and fees. I still don't have a fucking clue of all the ways that libraries can be funded.
They buy books or lease them. They process in-house or contract it out, or both. They own the land where the buildings reside or they lease or there could be some long-term donation involved. Again, many combinations.
They hire full-time and part-time people and ask the community for volunteers, promote from within or hire from outside, provide formal classes and on-the-job training.
Even after all these years of being a librarian, I still only have a tiny narrow idea of how a library functions. You might think I'm being flippant, but I'm not. There are so many aspects to the job that you can't possibly know what you'll need to know until you need to know it.
You can't prepare for every library job. Sure, you think you want to know about graphic design now, but in your next job it might not matter. Or maybe you think you should have learned more about computers. And then take a workshop and you realize you already know enough to do your job now.
The point is that all this woulda, coulda, shoulda, thinking is fine for commenting on your blog. But don't dwell on it. What happened in library school stays in library school. You're a librarian now, why the fuck are you still bitching about school?
What did I learn in library school? Whatever fit into my schedule that got me the credits to get my degree. I have no complaints.
I don't understand these people who look back at library school as if it failed them somehow. You learn as much as you can, as quickly as you can, so you don't waste too much money as costs increase over the years. And then you get that degree and look for work. Or if you're lucky, get the degree while you're already working.
You use the degree to get hired. Then you observe what's going on and how your new position relates to those around you. You apply new knowledge to old. You fuck up. But not enough to get fired. And you learn. And you succeed. And you backstab and kiss ass to get promoted. There's no fucking mystery to it.
This might seem obvious, but it's not. You also might think that it's something one might want to already know before applying to library school, but again, not obvious. It's like thinking you know what a business is before you enter Business school. There are probably ten thousand different kinds of businesses and ten thousand different ways to manage them. The same with libraries.
Libraries are essentially businesses. They are also government. They are public or private, funded by grants, foundations, donations, millage taxes, sales taxes and fees. I still don't have a fucking clue of all the ways that libraries can be funded.
They buy books or lease them. They process in-house or contract it out, or both. They own the land where the buildings reside or they lease or there could be some long-term donation involved. Again, many combinations.
They hire full-time and part-time people and ask the community for volunteers, promote from within or hire from outside, provide formal classes and on-the-job training.
Even after all these years of being a librarian, I still only have a tiny narrow idea of how a library functions. You might think I'm being flippant, but I'm not. There are so many aspects to the job that you can't possibly know what you'll need to know until you need to know it.
You can't prepare for every library job. Sure, you think you want to know about graphic design now, but in your next job it might not matter. Or maybe you think you should have learned more about computers. And then take a workshop and you realize you already know enough to do your job now.
The point is that all this woulda, coulda, shoulda, thinking is fine for commenting on your blog. But don't dwell on it. What happened in library school stays in library school. You're a librarian now, why the fuck are you still bitching about school?
What did I learn in library school? Whatever fit into my schedule that got me the credits to get my degree. I have no complaints.
I don't understand these people who look back at library school as if it failed them somehow. You learn as much as you can, as quickly as you can, so you don't waste too much money as costs increase over the years. And then you get that degree and look for work. Or if you're lucky, get the degree while you're already working.
You use the degree to get hired. Then you observe what's going on and how your new position relates to those around you. You apply new knowledge to old. You fuck up. But not enough to get fired. And you learn. And you succeed. And you backstab and kiss ass to get promoted. There's no fucking mystery to it.
Monday, December 5, 2011
WE HAVE A WINNA!
So the solution for saving libraries is obvious: open internet cafes.
Sure, your library offers free internet, but do you also offer PAID internet?
Here is the difference between the boring free library and the cool internet sweepstakes cafe:
$40. A day. Every day. Times 50 terminals... that's... something. Oh, I just found my calculator; that's $2,000. Oh, I could have done that in my head. Minus holidays, that's $700,000 a year. Per location. And there are over 1,000 of these sites in Florida alone. And they seem to be perfectly legal.
So why are librarians promoting coffee shops in their libraries just to make a few extra bucks? Or holding gaming nights, minus the cash prizes?
Libraries already hold prime locations. We're in the suburbs, downtown, near shops, on college campuses: libraries are everywhere.
So why can't libraries provide these harmless games to desperate poor and elderly people? Ask this man, who tells us how we would get to keep a whopping 10% of all the money we'd make and let him keep 90%, I guess, for making his informative video.
Remember, this is perfectly legal. At least, for now.
How To Start An Internet Sweepstakes Cafe. Now for Libraries!
Sure, your library offers free internet, but do you also offer PAID internet?
Here is the difference between the boring free library and the cool internet sweepstakes cafe:
A typical scenario is for a business to advertise itself as essentially a sweepstakes parlor. Customers buy phone cards and get with each purchase a separate, magnetic card with credit for a chance for every minute of phone time purchased."'You can play all day long for 40 bucks.'"
Players sit at a terminal in the cafe and log onto a sweepstakes account created for them that keeps track of their winnings. Some parlors have 50 or more terminals.
$40. A day. Every day. Times 50 terminals... that's... something. Oh, I just found my calculator; that's $2,000. Oh, I could have done that in my head. Minus holidays, that's $700,000 a year. Per location. And there are over 1,000 of these sites in Florida alone. And they seem to be perfectly legal.
So why are librarians promoting coffee shops in their libraries just to make a few extra bucks? Or holding gaming nights, minus the cash prizes?
Libraries already hold prime locations. We're in the suburbs, downtown, near shops, on college campuses: libraries are everywhere.
So why can't libraries provide these harmless games to desperate poor and elderly people? Ask this man, who tells us how we would get to keep a whopping 10% of all the money we'd make and let him keep 90%, I guess, for making his informative video.
Remember, this is perfectly legal. At least, for now.
How To Start An Internet Sweepstakes Cafe. Now for Libraries!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Library as Disney World
A recent survey suggests that most Americans don't use their public libraries very much, about once a year. So if you pay $100 in taxes to support your local library and only visit once a year, to me, that sounds like Disney World. It's $90 a day to enjoy the Magic Kingdom.
But Disney World has Space Mountain, you say. Big deal. A 45-minute wait for a 2-minute ride, in the dark. Not nearly as terrifying as a 2-minute walk to your car through the library parking lot at closing time with half our lights burnt out.
Disney World has The Country Bear Jamboree with those wacky backwoods bears. The library has five guys sitting by the newspapers who smell like bears, and might not be wearing pants.
Disney World has The Haunted Mansion filled with spooky creatures who occupy a cemetery. Ditto what I said about the guys sitting over by the newspapers.
Disney World has a parade. But have you been in the library when the doors open in the morning to see fifty people make that "I'm almost running, but still walking" beeline for the Internet computers? It's just like a parade, in fast forward. We're considering asking them to carry a banner.
Disney has Fast Pass and we have self check-out. And we both have long waits for anything new.
It costs $14 to park your car at Disney World. The library has free parking. If you still count having your hubcaps stolen, free.
So visit your local library once a year. We can't legally call it the happiest place on earth, but we do have a mouse for a mascot. Several, actually, and they just ran over into the Children's section to play with your kids.
But Disney World has Space Mountain, you say. Big deal. A 45-minute wait for a 2-minute ride, in the dark. Not nearly as terrifying as a 2-minute walk to your car through the library parking lot at closing time with half our lights burnt out.
Disney World has The Country Bear Jamboree with those wacky backwoods bears. The library has five guys sitting by the newspapers who smell like bears, and might not be wearing pants.
Disney World has The Haunted Mansion filled with spooky creatures who occupy a cemetery. Ditto what I said about the guys sitting over by the newspapers.
Disney World has a parade. But have you been in the library when the doors open in the morning to see fifty people make that "I'm almost running, but still walking" beeline for the Internet computers? It's just like a parade, in fast forward. We're considering asking them to carry a banner.
Disney has Fast Pass and we have self check-out. And we both have long waits for anything new.
It costs $14 to park your car at Disney World. The library has free parking. If you still count having your hubcaps stolen, free.
So visit your local library once a year. We can't legally call it the happiest place on earth, but we do have a mouse for a mascot. Several, actually, and they just ran over into the Children's section to play with your kids.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
ALA Criticizes "gay" Penguin.
According to a report that I totally made up and not in Publishers Weekly, "'If gay Penguin [publisher] has an issue with gay Amazon [online retailer], we ask that they deal with gay Amazon directly and not hold libraries hostage to a gay conflict of gay business models,' read a statement from ALA."
real report here.
Okay, that whole thing was made up. Nobody said "gay" anything. But from what I heard, the American Library Association has a whole box full of unused "gay"s laying around awaiting some future defense of gay-themed children's books that never were published.
Both Bi-curious George and The Very Horny Caterpillar were postponed by their publishers indefinitely, but the ALA was fully-prepared to defend them with 8 "gay"s each, although neither book was explicitly gay-themed. Hell, George is a monkey and would probably hump anything in real life, so I'm sure even that yellow hat needs to be taken out and burned. And that horny caterpillar was only trying to get down with anything that wasn't moving including boy and girl caterpillars and even a snoozing dachshund.
But the ALA had so many extra "gay"s from the previous attacks on homosexual flightless aquatic bird picture books written for children that they felt compelled to use a few, even if unnecessarily. In fact, had this report been true, this would have been the first time the ALA openly condemned a gay penguin.
Also, since this is 2011, we don't use the term "gay" to describe something negatively. But, oh, gosh, back in 1991, this would have been hilarious.
real report here.
Okay, that whole thing was made up. Nobody said "gay" anything. But from what I heard, the American Library Association has a whole box full of unused "gay"s laying around awaiting some future defense of gay-themed children's books that never were published.
Both Bi-curious George and The Very Horny Caterpillar were postponed by their publishers indefinitely, but the ALA was fully-prepared to defend them with 8 "gay"s each, although neither book was explicitly gay-themed. Hell, George is a monkey and would probably hump anything in real life, so I'm sure even that yellow hat needs to be taken out and burned. And that horny caterpillar was only trying to get down with anything that wasn't moving including boy and girl caterpillars and even a snoozing dachshund.
But the ALA had so many extra "gay"s from the previous attacks on homosexual flightless aquatic bird picture books written for children that they felt compelled to use a few, even if unnecessarily. In fact, had this report been true, this would have been the first time the ALA openly condemned a gay penguin.
Also, since this is 2011, we don't use the term "gay" to describe something negatively. But, oh, gosh, back in 1991, this would have been hilarious.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
"Why don't you get an iPad?" Zombies.
Zombies is the answer to everything. When you think of ebooks and social networks and your digital self, you should put it all within the context of zombies.
I don't literally mean zombies. But I mean that in any zombie-themed fiction, shit happens, society collapses, and survival gets back to basics. Shelter is a physical structure. Food is food.
There is no virtual world. Microblogging gets cut to four letters: Help. Or three, Run. Friending someone means you get to sleep for a few hours while she keeps watch. The only flash mob is the one that wants to eat your brain.
Anyone showing off his cool new Kindle Fire doesn't get it. He won't last 24 hours around zombies. But the guy with the tool box under his desk knows what matters. Hammer beats tablet. So think zombies.
Zombies says to build more libraries.
Zombies says to plan for failure and have an exit.
Zombies says your most important customer is right in front of you.
Zombies says don't over extend your supply chain.
Zombies says not to waste resources.
Zombies says to train your staff.
We take so much for granted: we assume that the wifi will be up and we expect to have a place to plug in. But this won't last forever. Zombies says so.
Buy books.
I don't literally mean zombies. But I mean that in any zombie-themed fiction, shit happens, society collapses, and survival gets back to basics. Shelter is a physical structure. Food is food.
There is no virtual world. Microblogging gets cut to four letters: Help. Or three, Run. Friending someone means you get to sleep for a few hours while she keeps watch. The only flash mob is the one that wants to eat your brain.
Anyone showing off his cool new Kindle Fire doesn't get it. He won't last 24 hours around zombies. But the guy with the tool box under his desk knows what matters. Hammer beats tablet. So think zombies.
Zombies says to build more libraries.
Zombies says to plan for failure and have an exit.
Zombies says your most important customer is right in front of you.
Zombies says don't over extend your supply chain.
Zombies says not to waste resources.
Zombies says to train your staff.
We take so much for granted: we assume that the wifi will be up and we expect to have a place to plug in. But this won't last forever. Zombies says so.
Buy books.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)