Monday, January 14, 2013

What They Shoulda Done: Downton Abbey


So Matthew inherits some money that could save Downton since Lord Grantham was suckered into investing in some bogus Canadian railway... but because it's money from the father of his dead fiance whom he had betrayed by kissing another woman, he felt he didn't deserve it.

So this goes on for much much too long... until Matthew receives another letter stating that the dead girl had written a letter on her death bed which somehow said something or other, that I swear, if I tried to sort out in my head, would make my brain hurt.  It's all become very much like a bad, very bad, extremely bad soap opera.

But then the money issue is resolved and Downton is saved.  But Poor Edith (that's her official character's name from now on) is left at the alter when Sir Anthony takes everyone's advice and runs off.

But what they shoulda done is: cut to Edith's wedding.

Sir Anthony and Edith are about to take their wedding vows, when.. Lavinia appears. The formerly dead Lavinia Swire appears at the church and approaches Matthew and Mary as women faint and the priest blesses himself.

She says to the wedding party, "You thought I was dead.  But my illness only made me appear to be dead.  Isn't that correct, doctor?"

"Yes, it's possible," the good, well, bad Dr. Clarkson agrees.  "She could have only appeared to be dead. To someone with a nineteenth century medical education, I mean.  This sort of thing happens."

And then the doctor addresses the crowd. "Sometimes someone appears to be be dead when it is just a slowing of the heartbeat.  And other times, someone appears to be alive, when they have in fact, been dead for several days.  Sir Anthony suffered a heart attack just last week and was dead, but I declared him fit to attend this wedding."

Just then, Sir Anthony's eyes become white and foam appears on his lips and he moans like a zombie.  And he grabs Edith and bites her as she screams and he begins to eat her brains.

At seeing this zombie attack, the doctor adds, "This happens more often than one would like."

That's what they shoulda done.

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