Sunday, April 22, 2018

A Joker Story (I don't think I've seen)

A school bus filled with children is stopped on a deserted highway, surrounded by law enforcement vehicles parked at a safe distance. Assorted law enforcement personnel are positioned behind the vehicles and aiming their weapons at the bus.

The sound of laughter comes from the bus as a child's BACKPACK is tossed from the doorway. As the backpack hits the ground, several mobile phones tumble out.

JOKER's voice: How many times do we need to remind you that school is for learning, kids. Not sexting with your teachers.

The Joker emerges from the bus with his hands raised above his head. He wears an orange jumpsuit with words and decorations written in marker on the clothing.

A mobile PHONE is duct taped to his chest and "CALL ME 212-555-5309" is written on his back.

A police sniper has Joker in her sights. Her partner sees the phone number.

PARTNER Take the shot.

SNIPER I can't. He's surrendering.

PARTNER He's the Joker. He's always pulling something. He could have a bomb on the bus. He could call a number and, boom, the whole thing could go up.

SNIPER His hands are up.

PARTNER I could call that number on his back and when he goes for the phone, you could shoot him and say he was going for a weapon.

SNIPER I won't take the shot.

PARTNER I'm calling it. If you won't take the shot, one of these other guys will.

(He takes his phone and dials)


JOKER Beep! I'm so sorry I can't come to the phone now. As my hands are empty, I had to let the machine pick up.

the end.

** The Joker is property of somebody.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

How Fifty Shades of Grey made it into our library.

It's been a while so I'll probably need to confirm some history with the internets, but the first I'd heard of Shades I'll call it, was when a library patron called to request that we get a copy for her/him (don't remember whether it was a him or her).

I did a quick compooter search and did not see any reference to the book. At all. I saw some fanfic references and comments, but I did not find any published novel with that title. (As you read this post, you'll learn that there existed a website and a print-on-demand book; not sure if I found the site and ignored it or just never saw it. I wasn't keeping notes, not even mental ones.)

Then about a week later, maybe more or less, a request came for an inter-library loan for Shades and I answered how we were unable to get it because it wasn't currently available to us.

I think I remember a coworker asking if I'd heard of Shades because she'd just received a request for it and I commented that there is no book we can buy: "this is some online porn that everyone suddenly thinks is a book." (Again, a book had existed for several months as print-on-demand. So there was a book. Being print-on-demand just means there aren't copies in stores for anyone to pick up and pay for, even libraries.)

How were so many people learning about this book in December 2011? I want whoever was in charge of that marketing campaign to work for the library.

The library often gets requests for self-published books. These are books we won't (except in rare instances) buy for the collection. The reasoning for this is often the high cost and low demand. There are also purchasing issues because those books aren't available from our usual vendor. So getting those books means arranging a one-time payment with a small press or even an individual person then paying for shipping and separate processing, all things that our usual vendors provide because of the high volume of our orders. FYI, many libraries have procedures for accepting self-published books if there is some perceived demand. Before Shades was published, public demand for self-published books at our library was uncommon and so we had no real plan to purchase them. It was very very rare that we did.

When the third or fourth request came in and I checked online for it, suddenly there was a book for sale on Amazon. I think it was $40. And it looked like it was from a vanity press and I think the publisher was in Australia (this was the same print-on-demand title mentioned before). But it was Amazon and that made it available. So at this point there was a book. But it wasn't from a vendor where we had any relationship with and it was $40. The odds the library would be able to get it was still at a realistic 1,000 to 1.

But the book beat those odds. Because we learned we had thousands of patrons who wanted to read it.

We were able to order a few copies even though we have no formal purchasing agreement with Amazon. Mainly because of the outrageous demand for it. People requested it at every branch. I have an email that shows how many requests we had before the book was ever published in the USA as a paperback. As soon as we were able to order from Amazon and added the information in our catalog that the book was on order, we had over 1,000 library card holders request a hold for it.

I wish I could go back to the end of 2011 to see the progress of the online demand for it: I mean, was it popular on Facebook or just through people emailing each other about it? I don't know. But it seemed like it was only a few months between that first request and the arrival of the juggernaut.

According to "The Lost History of Fifty Shades of Grey"
"This erotica bestseller began as a work of Twilight fan fiction called Master of the Universe, earning a massive fan fiction following years before the book deal. Most traces of this fan fiction history have been removed from the Internet."
Now if you remember that Shades was originally posted as Twilight fan fiction, and that the Twilight series had just been a super-massive publishing monster, then the number of people reading the original posting of Shades on the internet could have been in the tens or hundreds of thousands or readers. Given the explosive demand for Shades while it was originally only available as that $40 paper edition on Amazon, the readership of Twilight fanfic must have been tremendous.

I remember having those thoughts when I was researching the book online. How the hell do people find out about this stuff?

But another issue goes back to the people who requested the book before it was even a mass published book for sale. Who are these people? The knee-jerk people who call the library and request something that doesn't exist (as I said before, it existed. I'm making this statement as if I'm remembering from February 2012). Because they were calling in 2011. If you know about the history of Shades, then you know it lived online in 2010, so that whole year could have produced that fan base. So what may have seemed as sudden and knee-jerk behavior to me could just have been a year's worth of sexual frustration.

I see from the Adweek article (previous link) Shades was available from The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House back in June 2011, and this would have been at least 5 months before I'd gotten my first request for it. So call me a bad librarian for now knowing about this book in December 2011. But as it wasn't showing in the holdings of any library that I could see and that it wasn't even on Amazon at that time, it was invisible to me. Maybe if I'd been a fan of Twilight, I'd have known.

By March 2012, the monster was here. And we had lots of copies. If you have any memory of Shades from 2010 or 2011 or even pre-March 2012, maybe you can share what your library did in those early months before the storm. Or even how you decided to buy or not buy it for your library. Any story is worth preserving.

So remember that when you're getting turned on by the BDSM shenanigans between Christian and Anastasia, you're really looking at the relationship between a 200-year-old vampire and the 16-year-old girl he wants to sleep with.

Friday, December 26, 2014

a Batman and Superman Story you won't see in the comics

BATMAN and SUPERMAN are outside  a HUGE COMPLEX OF EVIL about to do BATTLE with some VILLAIN

SUPERMAN: Wait, I think I have something in my eye.


SUPERMAN: Something's in my eye, maybe an eyelash.

BATMAN: I didn't know you did that.

SUPERMAN: What? Lose eyelashes.

BATMAN: Yeah. That seems weird. I've seen you use a custom built laser to cut your hair. So I didn't think you just lost eyelashes.

SUPERMAN: Well, it happens.


SUPERMAN: Can you see it?

BATMAN: The eyelash. No, I don't see it.

SUPERMAN: Did you look?

BATMAN: No. I didn't really look for an eyelash in your eye.

SUPERMAN: Can you, take a look?

BATMAN: Hrm. Can't you just use your heat vision to blast it out?

SUPERMAN: (irritated) Don't you think I've tried that? I once blasted out the side of a moon just trying to get one of these out.

BATMAN: (incredulously) A moon?

SUPERMAN: Yes. A damn moon. Near the planet Kryos 5. It freaked out the Kryotians and I had to rebuild it. BATMAN LOOKS SKEPTICAL. It threw off their tides and messed up their surfing.


SUPERMAN: It really wasn't funny. I mean, it was, but it wasn't. So, can you look?

BATMAN: Okay, I'm looking.


BATMAN: Yes, it's in there.

SUPERMAN: Yes, I know it's in there. I want you to get it out.

BATMAN: Look, I said it's in there. Why can't you get it out yourself?

SUPERMAN: I could if I had a little mirror or something. Do you have a cosmetics mirror in your utility belt I can use?

BATMAN: (thinks for a second) No. I don't keep a cosmetic mirror in my utility belt.

SUPERMAN: Maybe you should.

BATMAN: I never had a need for one before.

SUPERMAN: Well, we could use one now. 

BATMAN: I will add it to the list.

SUPERMAN: I bet you have shark repellent in there.

BATMAN: I don't keep shark repellent in my utility belt.

SUPERMAN: You know I have X-ray vision and I can see it. Fourth pouch. It says right on the label, "Bat Shark Repellent."

BATMAN: (touches his belt) Really? That's in there? Must be old.

SUPERMAN: And why Bat Shark Repellent? It's shark repellent, why do you need to add Bat to everything? Batmobile. Batplane. Where's your creativity? Are you trademarking these names so some other crime fighter doesn't dress up like a bat and copy your stuff?

BATMAN: (sarcastically) You telling me about names? Superdog. Supergirl. Everything you do needs to be Super.

SUPERMAN: You know that I didn't pick the name Superman, right? The Daily Planet named me that. You picked Batman yourself. (sarcastically) Look, there's a bat. I'm a man. I'll call myself Batman. If I allowed myself to curse, I'd say That's really fucking creative. But I don't use that kind of inappropriate language.

BATMAN: I don't see any moms around.

SUPERMAN: I'm just saying.

BATMAN: Yes, I know. You have a image. Red White and Blue. The All American Boy. Truth, Justice and the American Way. (irritatedly) All that patriotic shit.

SUPERMAN: Are you disrespecting the United States of America?

BATMAN: (realizing the conversation would be pointless) No. Of course not. It's just the blind obedience to God and Country. It's the jingoism I detest.

SUPERMAN: I, for one, believe a little obedience is a good thing.


SUPERMAN: Now can we stop (looks around) fucking around and get this fucking eyelash out of my eye. It's a Super eyelash and it's digging into my Super eyeball.

BATMAN: LAUGHS. Let me just get my glove off. (tugs off his glove) You know what would be great right now? Some Bat tweezers.


BATMAN: My face is really close to your face right now. You know you have the bluest eyes.


BATMAN: I'm just saying. Now hold still. Got it.

SUPERMAN: Thanks. Took long enough.


SUPERMAN: I wish this was a solo mission.

BATMAN: Ouch. (pulls glove back on his hand) You can be mean.


BATMAN: I was kidding.

SUPERMAN: Oh. It's that cowl. I can't tell when your joking if I don't see your face. So, no, I don't use my X-ray vision all the time. That would be creepy seeing everybody's bones all the time.


BATMAN: Everything good?

SUPERMAN: I think so.

BATMAN: Good. Let's go kick some ass.

Batman and Superman are trademarks of somebody.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Award for Best Graphic Novel Collection in a Library. And the WINNER is....

So Thomas Maluck @LiberryTom says,
I keep seeing "Best Retailer" among comics awards. Its time for them to add "Best Library." Who agrees?

And I agreed.

Let me clarify. I hate awards. Because I don't think librarians should be awarded for doing our jobs. But as part of our communities, we should show some pride in the ways we manage and spend the money we are given. And if that means we need to stick a ribbon on our collection that tells everyone WE DONE GOOD, then maybe we should do it.

Clarification Expanded: I also hate extra work. I don't have time to READ graphic novels and EVALUATE content. So here is my PROPOSAL for an award for GRAPHIC NOVEL collections in libraries.

If this were my project and I wanted to get it started asap, I would limit to giving awards for graphic novel collections that include each of the titles from these lists:
YALSA Best Graphic Novels Top 10 Lists, 2007 to Current
the Wikipedia entry for List of award-winning graphic novels

Libraries could check their collections against the lists and get nominated if they think they have everything or most of everything or everything for given years. The actual award doesn't exist so I don't have the rules sorted out. Except for the one that says, if you had a book in your collection and it's now missing and it's currently out of print and can no longer be purchased: tough titty. If it doesn't show in your catalog as being part of your collection, you don't get credit for it.

The rules for the first awards should be kept simple. Until we get a committee, then YEE-HAW, the more rules the better!

Award Process (DRAFT)
  • Library collections are nominated through an online form.
  • Libraries may be nominated in multiple categories (when separate category awards become active).
  • Nominations are verified through online searches such as library catalogs for collections and library websites for programs. Media sites may be used to verify news stories.
  • Only print collections are accepted. Animation (video / DVD) could become a separate category.
  • All Titles must have an ISBN.
  • In event of a tie, libraries will be awarded based on annual purchasing budget sub-categories: under $10K, $10K-$50K, Over $50K.

There could be Future Categories, if someone WANTS EXTRA WORK. Wikipedia uses these nine categories that we could use to give awards for library collections:


    ► Adventure graphic novels‎


    ► Crime graphic novels‎


    ► Erotic graphic novels‎


    ► Fantasy graphic novels‎


    ► Horror graphic novels‎
    ► Humor graphic novels‎


    ► Non-fiction graphic novels‎


    ► Science fiction graphic novels‎
    ► Superhero graphic novels‎

Final Clarification. I would love to do this. And I could do it. But I can't imagine any library would accept an award from the.effing.librarian. So I don't know what to do with this DRAFT. Except post it and hope I can be involved in some way if-when it finally gets going. But I'll have to probably use my real name at some point. So promise you won't tell anyone it's me.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

the first library to partner with google will be the last library standing

A recent story had the mayor of Miami-Dade saying that his library system could be run with one librarian on Skype.

After you're done shouting, Fuck You, Motherfucker, at this shitbag asshole of a mayor, take a moment to acknowledge that he's probably right.

Many librarian skills have been devalued. Research has little value to people who have settled for being idiots. The number of people who claim Google can find anything they need, yet CAN'T USE GOOGLE, are growing exponentially. I have to stand next to an incredible number of assholes who use Google to get to: Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL... AOL is only 3 FUCKING LETTERS! So I stand there as they type G O O G L E and then press enter and then say, "Your Internet is down" with the same fucking authority I might imagine my doctor would use to tell me I have cancer. "I'm sorry. The test came back positive; your Internet is down."

And I need to pretend that this is a teaching moment and remind them that GOOGLE is nothing, but GOOGLE.COM is something. And then they say back, "Well, not on my computer at home. There must be something wrong with your computers."

And I don't say, "Using your logic, you should be able to leave this room, take a left, pull down your pants and take a shit because in your house there's a toilet there. But in the library, that's where the copier is. Have you been shitting on our copier?"

So traditional Reference is dying. People don't want correct answers, only fast ones. And librarians, due to, I don't know, caring or education or professional ethics, can't get their heads around just giving their patrons the fastest answer without it necessarily being the right one:
PATRON: Do you have books on how the building of the Panama Canal encouraged drug trafficking to the United States?
LIBRARIAN: Here! [Hands any random Panama book] And would you like to learn more about Discount Hotel Accommodations in Panama?
Thank you. That was my impression of a search engine.

Library research takes some time, several minutes usually, to locate the right answer to a question. But people have been conditioned to accept every answer from Google as the best answer. Why? Because the Google results often link to a pretty good answer and people have decided that a pretty good answer really fast is better than a really good answer not so fast, or ten minutes later. 

And,... I'm leaping way ahead here (because the adrenaline is burning off and I'm losing interest in the topic), this is why your governments, refer to Miami-Dade at the top of this post, do not want to fund libraries: BECAUSE LIBRARIES ARE HERE TO EDUCATE.

And it's pretty damn clear to anyone paying attention that politicians don't need their voters to be educated in order to get elected.

Now that my political announcement is out of the way, let me get back to whatever it was I was trying to say.

Reference librarians are finding is harder to do their jobs because of not only the historical reasons, people don't know what they do or are afraid to ask; but now people are just settling for some search engine to tell them what the the answer is.

So what the people seem to want is Google-fast with librarian-smart. So like the title of this post says, the first library to partner with google will be the last library standing. If you think a library should still employ librarians.

Libraries will forsake librarians. You will see fewer of us in the future. But there will still be library jobs, just $12-$15 an hour jobs like everywhere else. And the library CEO will make 10X more than that just like real business.

And the librarians who are left will probably be your "rock stars" because they've been climbing over the rest of us for the past 5 years trying to be the important ones, when, frankly, I couldn't name one useful thing any of them has done. Other than get the rest of us to follow them on Facebook.

So expect more mayors to question why we need librarians. Because educating the public, according to them, is the goal of the also underfunded public schools and the out-of-most-of-our-reach-without-borrowing expensive universities and NOT the role of the publicly-funded and therefore free-to-all public libraries. So fuck us for caring.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Fun with German Libraries, or You Can't Use the Spear of Destiny to Attach that Photo to Your Email

If you work in a public library, then you understand the agony of helping old people. Some of our elderly patrons will gleefully proclaim their ignorance of all modern technologies and smile as if this should make them appear cute and endearing. But it doesn't.

I've been using computers since around 1985 and I know people who started a few years before me. And AOL, your grandparents' Facebook, started in 1991. But I'll give these oldsters the benefit of the doubt and remind them that Google started in 1997, so that's 15 years they've had to get up to speed with computer technology.

So there's been more than enough time for them to learn something, anything, anything at all. But they haven't.

The old people who know about using computers probably never visit the library, spending all their free time, most probably, helping their computer illiterate neighbors get all their money back from that deposed Nigerian prince.

And this group of helpless mouse fumblers, virus spreaders, accidental rebooters and reckless spam clickers, is, according to Tom Brokaw, The Greatest Generation. Partly because they won World War II and defeated the Nazis.

So this is what I don't get: if our oldest Americans are so clueless about computers and digital technology and claim they can't learn to use any of it because it's new and strange and confusing, AND these are the Americans who beat Hitler's master race, then... wait for it... what the hell are the old people like in Germany?

Do German librarians work with even stupider people than we do? How did America beat the German Army or the Nazis? You know, the cool looking Germans who held their cigarettes upside down and wore monocles and polished their black leather boots until Colonel Hogan could read the latest secret codes in the reflection. One would think it's because we were better or smarter. Hell, we broke the Nazi code. Or maybe that was all just something that Hedy Lamarr did.

So this Greatest Generation can't figure out email, but they deciphered the Enigma machine. Where does that leave the German former soldiers, the defeated? Does this make them completey incompetent? Or something else entirely?

Based on what I learned from movies, I know Hitler was fascinated by the occult. Maybe German librarians face completely different problems from their aged veterans.

I can almost hear someone telling this to their confused patron and former Nazi: 
"Sie können keine anhängen foto mit the Spear of Destiny." Or, You cannot attach a photo with the Spear of Destiny.

Or worse yet, but would probably only happen once, "Ich kann nicht helfen, I can't help you to email the Ark of the Covenant because I will need to cover my eyes when you open it."

Monday, November 4, 2013

Bestsellers are not always what they seem.

Americans spend $6 billion a year on books. And this industry goes largely unregulated by the government. There is no Agency like the FDA or the FCC to test books for adherence to  purity or national standards in publishing.

But using a method called DNA encoding, Canadian researchers have uncovered literary fraud in one-third of the New York Times bestsellers for fiction.

Consumer advocates say that the public has fallen victim to questionable and even unsafe practices whereby popular novels are nothing more than filler and falsified ingredients. Of the 44 novels tested, many showed outright substitution from materials created from the minds of others and not of the stated author whose name is printed on the cover.

Using a test called DNA barcoding, a kind of genetic fingerprinting that has also been used to help uncover labeling fraud in the commercial seafood industry, researchers tested popular novels from over a dozen large publishers.

For example, of one unnamed novel sampled, a current legal thriller on multiple bestseller lists, was not written by the well-known author, but actually penned by Tito Wagner, a much lesser-known thriller author who makes his home in Switzerland. The novel bares no resemblance to the claimed author's work other than for locations set in Mississippi. But the DNA testing showed that often Swiss place names appeared in the work, such as the location of the story's courthouse as being listed in Büttenhardt, Mississippi.

The test also showed that other sections of the novel contained almost no portion of the original story and others were only a sprinkling of source material diluted with Project Gutenberg content from a public domain title, mostly Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.

An example:
Nobody spoke for a minute; then Jake said in an altered tone, "You know the reason Lettie proposed not having any presents this Christmas was because it is going to be a hard winter for everyone; and she thinks we ought not to spend money for pleasure, when our men are suffering so in the army. We can't do much, but we can make our little sacrifices, and ought to do it gladly. But I am afraid I don't," and Jake shook his head, as he thought regretfully of all the pretty things he wanted.

Sure it doesn't make much sense as a legal thriller, but so far no one has seemed to notice, heaping immeasurable praise upon this fraud.

Representatives of the publishing industry said that while mislabeling of novels was a legitimate concern, they did not believe it reached the extent suggested by the new research, stating, "Meg (from Little Women) is one hell of a character."

But because the latest findings are backed by DNA testing, they offer perhaps the most credible evidence to date of adulteration, contamination and mislabeling in the publishing industry. And given the explosive growth of ebooks, an area where demands for new books are continuing to rise, the need for fresh content has encouraged this unacceptable behavior. Critics say this blatant misuse of older texts to create new works is either being created from ignorance, incompetence or outright dishonesty.

All agree that more oversight is needed.


story idea ripped off from this NYT story about herbal supplements with some sections stolen outright and left unchanged. because it's funnier that way.