Wednesday, January 16, 2013

HEY, ASSHOLE! It's the future of libraries.

Everyone is trying to come up with some solution to the non-existent problem of what should we do with our libraries. It's a non-existent problem, imo, because I think libraries do a great job of taking a bunch of money and hiring great people and buying lots of cool, useful shit.

But as much as we do great stuff with all that money, there are people outside and WITHIN the profession who claim it isn't enough and that libraries don't fit into our speedy groovy shiny new world.

Fuck you, is what I say.

Because I can fix libraries with two simple words: Hey, Asshole.

You might have noticed that the modern world is a tiny bit ruder and coarser than it was when those imaginary people in those 1950's television shows were kids. In reality, when I was 5 my friends were already smoking cigarettes, and when we were 6 or 7, we got drunk once in while and about the time I was 8, I was stealing from grocery stores and even stealing from my neighbors. And I felt like I was one of the good kids.

But the world is probably a little more adult now than it once was.  Every TV show is loaded with sexual dialog and boobies and lots more blood than when Barney Miller was on. I hear people say "shit" on TV all the time. And on popular shows.

So the masses have spoken. People want to read romance novels that include ben wa balls and they want suspense novels with torture and eye-gouging. And I guess they want cooking manuals that include some ass-play; I haven't seen one yet, but I guess there's got to be some recipe where you're told to keep a carrot in your ass until the oil is sizzling. Or something.

So my solution is to just be rude to people. Add, Hey Asshole to your signage. "Hey, Asshole, the Library is CLOSED on Martin Luther King Day." Or, Hey, Asshole, this email is to remind you to return you overdue materials."

Some people might be annoyed by it, at first, but they'll get used to it. And talk about publicity! Some library already announced being the first bookless library. And some other library is the first maker space library. So what's left? Be the first "New York Style" library!

Take my advice, and just add Hey, Asshole to everything. But if it doesn't work for you, you might have to get nastier and try Hey, Shit-for-brains.

But don't use Hey, Fucknuts. We already use that at our library.

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