Introverts in the Library. Extroverts in the Bedroom.

But I've been thinking a lot about introverts and extroverts lately. And so I'm reading Quiet by Susan Cain. And it's giving me lots to ponder. Because I'm an ambivert, so I do ponder sometimes. I was doing it earlier today. I may be doing it now. P O N D E R.

www.thepowerofintroverts.com

But am I an ambivert? Is that even a quantifiable thing? Let me take a quick check. [10 minutes later] Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator is: INTP, the “Engineer.”

-Introversion: 60%
-iNtutitive: 65%
-Thinking: 65%
-Perceiving: 65%

Oh, okay.

I don't think I'm strictly an introvert, even though I work in a library which is where I would guess you'd find them, but I shun social settings, especially social networks. But I enjoy public speaking and I'm a decent performer.

But I don't enjoy speaking until I've done my research. Or thought of a good fart joke.
Of the two groups, I prefer introverts because I believe this: when two people join together, they inevitably look to fuck with someone else. I think George Carlin said that. Or Gandhi.

I say that librarians are introverts because it seems that introverts would be attracted to that environment. But if you present programs twice a day to groups and you represent your library on Facebook, etc., then don't get you underpants in a bunch because even if you do those things, you probably prefer to do them alone.

No. 6, played by Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner, is a man with a secret. He was a spy who quit his job and someone wants to know why. Almost every episode is an exercise of will between the need for No. 2 to learn his secret and No. 6's desire to keep it. I just started watching this to see how it supports this introvert/extrovert theory and I feel vindicated each time 6 gets angered by everyone spying on him. If you've ever seen the show, you'll notice that when he suspects he's being watched (which is all the time), he modifies his behavior to trick the observers. So just as we can't really know what one is thinking when he sits quietly by himself, No. 6 shows us that we can't know someone's true nature even when he participates in the group.

The internet, or as we should call it, "the real world," requires that we share and be a part of a group. You can't just lurk in Facebook and you can't listen to a song on Spotify without being a member. Everywhere wants everyone for a member.

We need to remember that libraries are an essential refuge for introverts. Although that idea has been under attack for years by librarians who want us all in a group hug. But the entire nature of reading is internal. You may shout at the screen in a movie theater, "don't go in there," but no one shouts that at their book. But I'll concede that religious books inspire social reading because we have a guy who can't read his book without bringing some heavily underlined and annotated lines to our attention while we're trying to work: "but it says, one cannot worship the false god and be saved, but look at all these people worshipping their computers!" Yep, we keep an eye on him.

But when you begin converting all of your individual study carrels and study rooms into collaborative maker-spacers, don't be surprised when I tweet about what a fucked-up decision that was.

And that's the current problem with libraries. Someone it trying to convert us all, library users and library workers, from introverts into extroverts. From the job listings seeking DYNAMIC, UPBEAT, EXCITED candidates to the gamer librarians who expect us to move someplace else when the Wii is way too loud, libraries are ignoring a large percentage of their users, and their employees, who just want some QUIET.

What you don't understand is that the library is the only tiny piece of peace in our noisy cities. You can't look at the library and say, okay, this part is community commons area and this tiny part is for quiet study. Because the entire building was designed as a refuge. You shouldn't be allowed to bring the noisy back inside. So no food processors or Zumba classes or drill presses.

So I'm declaring an INDEPENDENCE DAY. For independent study and independent research. For independent thoughts that I keep to myself.

Yes, you can be dynamic. But go be dynamic way over there and quit crapping all over my quiet. Because you really don't want to force me to extrovert myself and have all that scary shit that I've been keeping in my head spill out. I'm not an introvert to protect myself from you; I'm one to save you from me.

Publishing-on-demand: I'm saying this for the last time...

I publish my crap with CreateSpace.

Yes, CreateSpace is part of the "evil empire" that is Amazon, and yes, one day Amazon will dictate what librarians will buy because they will control all the bestsellers by promoting whomever they want on their sites and by sending suggestions to all their Kindle users and creating the bestseller lists from their stock of Amazon authors. Yes, this will happen.

But when I read about libraries assisting their patrons with self publishing by getting a "print-on-demand" machine or service, I think or how much better it is with CreateSpace:
CreateSpace is free. Totally free. Completely free. No cost. Nada. As free as free can be. When I published I Came in Peece, I paid nothing. My only cost was for the 3 copies I bought for friends (total cost for 3 copies, shipped to me, around $12).

I did not pay for a proof copy because I proofed online. Free.
I did not pay for an ISBN which costs around $125-$140. This was provided free.
I did not pay for a bar code, usually $25. Also, free.

I did not pay to have anyone design my book cover because CreateSpace has a wizard for that. I uploaded my own photo and used the wizard for all other design elements. Again, free.

I don't remember the payment system, but you also need to complete that information. But I think you don't need to enter too much personal information if you want them to send you a check for your royalties (ha!), but you need to enter bank info if you want your money sent to direct deposit.

And when I was done, my book was available on its own CreateSpace web page AND also on Amazon.

And after a few days, the "Look Inside" feature was available so that anyone could preview my book. So preview it, you cheap bastard.

Now, you can hate Amazon for destroying all the traditional booksellers by being the online version of "when Walmart came to town."

Or you can hate them for giving that Chicago grandma dozens of naked lady books in her search results when she only wanted to find books for her tween granddaughter.

Or you can hate them for patenting "one-click" purchasing, which is actually 3-clicks since you need to click to sign-in before one-click becomes active, so the patent really covers what every online business had already been doing for years.

Or you hate them for selling The Pedophiles Guide to Love and Pleasure, by Phillip Greaves, or Understanding Loved Boys and Boylovers, by David L. Riegel, which were a big stories a while back, so I don't even know if those books is still for sale, or if any of the thousands of other books that cover topics that might piss you off are currently for sale. Dunno.

Or you can hate them for not collecting sales tax that could have benefited your state for the last 15 years, and you can hate them for all the other reasons that we hate multi-billion-dollar companies.

But if you want to get your library patrons published so that they have the best possible exposure for their books and so their family and friends can purchase them, then you should consider using CreateSpace for your "makerspaces." I know this process is not "print on demand," which might be what your patrons want, especially those really old guys who don't expect to live out the week. But my order for my books got me in about nine days.

Now, CreateSpace is part of Amazon's family, but they don't seem to communicate that well, so it's a dysfunctional relationship. I had a lot of trouble getting my book, I CAME IN PEECE (read it!), in Kindle format even though it was supposed to be a simple click of a button to make it happen. But I had to create a whole new account on Amazon and upload everything myself without getting any help from CreateSpace. But now it's out there in all its Kindley goodness. And it's only 99 cents!

And since CreateSpace is free, you can try it by uploading anything. Yes, even your dreamy-dream journal.

FYI, I published a book back in the 1990s and the 500 copies I had to order (and pay for) for the minimum print run are still collecting dust in the attic. So this is new way to publish is practically a freakin miracle.

too long for a tweet

If the sense of entitlement that people have regarding ebooks was somehow transported back in time, it would have our patrons calling us each time they found a word in a book they didn't understand.

Which they did, now that I think of it. But not nearly as many would have called as those who call about every tiny aspect of their ebook devices.

So what would be comparable between NOW and THEN and how would the libararian have handled it?

NOW.
"I downloaded the wrong ebook."

Oh, that's okay; it happens. I'll fix it for you.

THEN. [Possibly pre-1980 library.]
"I checked out the wrong book."

What? Are you a fucking idiot? You had the book in your hands for probably five minutes and you waited in a line to check it out and then you gave your library card to a library employee, and at no point during this time did you question whether this was the wrong book? What the fuck happened when you got home? The book didn't keep the table from wobbling? What the fuck made it the wrong book? What new information do you have when you got home that told you it was the wrong book? What an asshole. Can you understand this makes you look like an asshole? Yes? Okay, which book did you mean to borrow? Okay, let me got get it. I'll hold it here at the desk and since this is the past, gas is probably pretty cheap, so you can drive back over here and get it. Don't forget to bring the other book with you! Oh, no, you will forget. So go put it in the car now. Then go eat your lunch or whatever you need to do that will somehow cause you to forget to come and pick up this book. It's okay; I have nothing better to do than carry books back and forth to the stacks. Fuck you.

NOW.
"I downloaded the book, but I can't find where it went."

Oh, that's okay; it happens. I'll find it for you.

THEN.
"I just checked out a book, but I can't find it."

Did you call the police and file a report? Because the library will block your account if you don't return that book or if you don't give us a copy of the police report. And when we block your account, it stays blocked. Forever. Even if the library ever gets computers and you think that the records will just start all over again, they won't. Or even if you move away for ten years and then come back, you'll be blocked. We remember these things because a librarian never forgets the asshole who loses a library book.

NOW.
"I just got this ereader, but I don't know how to use it."
THEN.
"I just checked out this book, but I don't know how to use it."

[Past and Present librarians, in unison, as the time-streams merge.]

Give me that so I can beat you to death with it. Asshole.

What Apple can teach libraries

So I just saw the story on what it takes to be an Apple Genius... or maybe it was about what it takes to be in the Sea Org, it was confusing. But let's give the credit to Apple.

 

It's an old article, but I don't actively search for Apple news so I missed it.

But what it teaches is that your every behavior should be guided toward making your library patrons feel good, to make them feel like their concerns are important, but without ever committing to anything or accepting blame. Read the article, the manual is literally genius.

Apply this to your library. You listen to people. You empathize with their concerns. You say something like, I'm sorry this happened. And you redirect them to some other part of the library or out into the parking lot because, holy crap, enough is enough, and you have work to do.

But use that connection to promote some library service. Because part of your job should be Sales.
Most library employees don't realize that we have a product that we need to sell. It's the continuation of the library; it's more libraries; it's increased budgets for more stuff and people and raises. You are the product. You sell yourself and your job.

I sell library services every chance I get. Unless I'm drunk. Or naked. At the very least, I should be wearing a pair of socks before I'll promote my library. Or three socks? Who said that?

Apple has a formula for their brand of sales, and it spells APPLE:

(A)pproach, (P)robe, (P)resent, (L)isten, (E)nd.

Isn't that adorable.

Libraries should also adopt some similar cutesy acronmym-like thingie:
(L)isten. (I)-contact. (B)-present. (R)edirect. (A)void. (R)estate. (Y)-me?

You probably might want to mix those around depending on your particular situation, for example, I would always begin with (Y).

But you have to sell. If someone can't use a computer, direct him to one of your computer classes. Or online tutorials. Or if he won't stop being a pain in the ass, give him a program  schedule and suggest he look it over at home.

or if you can't find a book on the shelf, sell the Hold. Send the book to whichever branch they want. Or sell the ebook. No interaction with a patron should ever terminate with a direct answer. The response to "Where is the bathroom?" should include directions to the area for appropriate reading material: The books on bladder control are over here and the bathroom is down that hallway.

How would you deal with this patron?

PATRON: Ga-ga-ga-ba-ba-ba [Stops babbling, puts his fingers in his mouth and pulls out own tooth - drops it in an envelope addressed to the White House and puts the envelope in his robe pocket].

YOU: I can see how you'd feel this way. It can be frustrating. But many of our patrons use the library often. To wash their clothes in our bathrooms. So come back after your visit from the Secret Service.

Notice you said nothing substantial. You empathized with nothing. You promised nothing. But these kinds of interactions often make people feel good without requiring you do any work at all.

But remember to sell. And remember our acronym:

• (L)isten, or just appear be to listening. Earbuds help.
• (I)-contact, [eye contact] avoid it for crazies or keep it for normals.
• (B)-present. I really don't have anything dopey to say about that. It's actually really useful when you give 100% to the listening and not laughing.
• (R)edirect real problems to someone else. Anyone else. Maybe someone at your library who uses a cane and can't escape too quickly? This will save you a lot of headaches.
• (A)void making promises. There's not much you can do to solve problems while working with no budget. So just empathize. Everything else costs money.
• (R)estate the obvious. "The fax machine isn't working because the fax machine is broken. Our malfunctioning fax machine is not responding. The Out Of Order sign is taped to our non-working fax machine. Here is a copy of the sign to take with you."
• (Y)-me? [Why me?] Because you're not the boss, that's why. Or maybe you are the boss, if you're one of those bosses that actually does stuff. Nah, you're not the boss.

  

Libraries, Chasing the 1%

WARNING: long ramble that didn't make me feel any better when I finished writing it.

The more I read about libraries, the more fear for their future. I keep reading about how libraries' days are numbered, but this is not why I fear for the future of libraries: it's all the solutions I read for non-existent problems. It's all these "visionary" librarians who reject all the useful things that libraries do and continually, perpetually chase after new things.

They get some idea that the library is in trouble and their first thought is, Well, then, let's do some new stuff!

FUCK YOU. Fuck your new stuff.

Oh, this is a new thing, they say. Everyone drop whatever it is I told you I liked 3 months ago, and do this new thing I just found now. And this new thing is: iPads, phablets, streaming video, downloadable songs, mastering Facebook privacy, on-demand publishing, digital magazines, 3-D genital printing, hacker spaces, book-themed games and social networks, location-based-reader-preference-app-sync-hyphen-something-something, mobile stalking, Google-search-history-scrubbing, reader-bullying, reader-hostility, nude chat, why manipulating metadata is like touching yourself, copywrong & private domain, global thermonuclear war,...

FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.FUCK YOU.

Look, ASSHOLES, nobody knows what libraries do. They still think we have books and only books. Because we do a shitty job marketing our services. So stop thinking that new shit will attract new people BECAUSE THEY WON'T KNOW WE HAVE IT.

So stop buying new shit and do a better job of telling your community what you do for then now. Market your library before you waste money on new shit.

What is marketing? Watch TV: marketing is, hitting the customer over the head with images until they can't avoid buying your product. And that takes money. And time. And money.

So here is a fact: almost every decision you made about your library in the last 5 years was wrong. That is a fact. So stop. Stop making decisions. Your library is probably doing a bunch of really good stuff, right now. So stop changing everything.

How many of you have read that your library patrons don't use the computer catalog? All of you? so I hear all this discussion about getting rid of the catalog. "If people don't like it, get rid of it." You know what AMERICAN BUSINESS would say when someone doesn't like their product: MAKE THEM BUY IT, ANYWAY. Or, Get one of our legislators to pass a law that requires the government to buy it.

But librarians don't like to make people do anything. So they don't like Marketing their libraries. Because marketing is aggressive behavior, and librarians are passive. Until you take their parking spaces.

But if the catalog is your problem, the what should you do? What is the library catalog? It's the way people find books in the library.

 So what other ways can you get that job done?

I guess you could create a software program with voice recognition so people could just speak to a kiosk and get directions. Or an app for a mobile device. But then people would be yelling the software when it didn't work. And all that yelling would be going on in your library.

You could eliminate the public catalog completely and force everyone to ask for the book at the information desk. Which is a great solution if you can afford the staff.

You could shelve all the books in some sort of bookstore order, but I FUCKING HATE THAT. I can never find anything in the book stores. Unless it's an extremely finite area, like manga. Otherwise, I look and look and look. It the book with chapter books, or easy books or by author with the juvenile books? It is a general cookbook or in the Italian cooking section or maybe in the vegetarian cooking? So, yeah, I would fucking hate that.

And it doesn't matter what you choose, someone won't like it. So you need to choose the option that satisfies the most people or doesn't confuse the most people or doesn't get your library burned down by a hostile mob. But you can't just pick some solution that works on an iPad just because iPads are cool. This is the worst solution. But this is what libraries do.

Librarians often chase after the newest coolest things. Things that one percent of their users have. And they justify this on the "potential growth" for that thing. Again, based on that one percent of users. So, of course, they will seem to be right for about a year or two when that one percent grows to six or fourteen percent.

But what about the other 86 percent of your public? Did you abandon them for that new thing? No; you will force them to buy into that new thing. But in a typical passive-aggressive-librarian way. So you'll force your borrowers to buy ereaders, then buy tablets, then get brain implants... because YOU want to be part of that ever-changing 1%.

That's why your library has a published Mission, so that you don't make these stupid decisions.

Regarding ebooks, libraries are driving themselves out of business by paying for them. Instead of providing free ebooks or negotiating contracts with publishers who will allow us to host content and distribute from our own servers, you continue to pay 3X retail for ebooks LEASES and pay hosting services and maintenance to outside companies. You also encourage the big publishers to reduce print production thereby reducing the number of print books you can OWN. So the reduction of print will only reduce the number of physical libraries so that some point in the future, your library will just be someone who pays that Overdrive or Google Books or Amazon bill. Because you won't offer any services that require people.

So if you want to keep your library and your librarians, get back to your MISSION. Offer services that benefit the community and hire the people to provide those services. And build libraries to give the public a place to meet those librarians and receive those services.

And this might not be part of your Mission, but MARKET those services and the people who help your community. So you should probably add that to it: "Promote library services."

There is one fact I have never heard disproved: "more people would use your library, if more people knew about your library."

Try and prove that wrong. Seriously.

HEY, ASSHOLE! It's the future of libraries.

Everyone is trying to come up with some solution to the non-existent problem of what should we do with our libraries. It's a non-existent problem, imo, because I think libraries do a great job of taking a bunch of money and hiring great people and buying lots of cool, useful shit.

But as much as we do great stuff with all that money, there are people outside and WITHIN the profession who claim it isn't enough and that libraries don't fit into our speedy groovy shiny new world.

Fuck you, is what I say.

Because I can fix libraries with two simple words: Hey, Asshole.

You might have noticed that the modern world is a tiny bit ruder and coarser than it was when those imaginary people in those 1950's television shows were kids. In reality, when I was 5 my friends were already smoking cigarettes, and when we were 6 or 7, we got drunk once in while and about the time I was 8, I was stealing from grocery stores and even stealing from my neighbors. And I felt like I was one of the good kids.

But the world is probably a little more adult now than it once was.  Every TV show is loaded with sexual dialog and boobies and lots more blood than when Barney Miller was on. I hear people say "shit" on TV all the time. And on popular shows.

So the masses have spoken. People want to read romance novels that include ben wa balls and they want suspense novels with torture and eye-gouging. And I guess they want cooking manuals that include some ass-play; I haven't seen one yet, but I guess there's got to be some recipe where you're told to keep a carrot in your ass until the oil is sizzling. Or something.

So my solution is to just be rude to people. Add, Hey Asshole to your signage. "Hey, Asshole, the Library is CLOSED on Martin Luther King Day." Or, Hey, Asshole, this email is to remind you to return you overdue materials."

Some people might be annoyed by it, at first, but they'll get used to it. And talk about publicity! Some library already announced being the first bookless library. And some other library is the first maker space library. So what's left? Be the first "New York Style" library!

Take my advice, and just add Hey, Asshole to everything. But if it doesn't work for you, you might have to get nastier and try Hey, Shit-for-brains.

But don't use Hey, Fucknuts. We already use that at our library.

time's up

not very many people downloaded I Came in Peece, so it's no longer available for free.  I hope the people who got it will read it.  and after reading it, weep from its genius. but the rest of you can go fuck yourselves.

kidding. but it sounds cool to say that. I would never say that all of you should go fuck yourselves.

some of you can go fuck yourselves.