What's Goin' On (with that song)? - "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.

I don't have any idea why this song plays out the way it does. Is the singer married to the woman in this song? Are they witches or spies or other folks who need to protect their secrets? The entire song seems to be based on some "nudge nudge wink wink" innuendo that completely eludes me.

According to Wikipedia, "Behind Closed Doors" was a number one song for Charlie Rich. And I'm trying to understand why.

The song opens with lyrics about how the singer is proud of his "baby" because she never hangs all over him in a crowd.

I guess that's something. Not having a woman act all mushy, and making sure she behaves herself like she's a pet, like a well-trained dog.

But then the singer goes on, "people like to talk, Lord, how they love to talk."

WTF? What are people saying? Again, is this a couple? Are they a secret couple? Are they siblings? Is this "baby" literally the singer's own child? I. DO. NOT. KNOW.

If this couple is married, what are people talking about? "Oh, look at that man and woman and how she has her hair all done up so that she can let it down later when they get BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. We bet she's gonna make him glad he's a man. In some way we can't fathom yet."

Is that something people say?

So let's assume this is a married couple. And there is no incest involved. And she is not literally a baby. Does the singer assume that no one knows what sex is? Is that why he sings, "no one knows what goes on behind closed doors"?

Has he asked his buddies what they think he does with his baby behind closed doors? Because I'm sure they have a good guess. And it rhymes with 'trucking.'

So the only thing I can imagine about the intent of the singer is that he wants us to know that his woman is a prim and proper lady in public and a dirty filthy whore in the bedroom. And that when she lets her hair hang down, she straps on a giant dildo and pounds the singer up his back door until he cries like a baby, when they get BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

Because if people knew about that ass-reaming, I'm pretty sure there would be talk. And some cancelled church picnic invitations.

p.s. Diana Ross has covered this song and swapped the gender roles so that she was letting her hair down for her man whore. Stan Ridgway covered it, too. Although I think Stan Ridgway was hit by a car and was suffering brain trauma and wasn't aware he was recording it.