Fifty Shades of Fuck You.

So, have you heard this thing where people become sexually aroused and then manually stimulate their own naughty parts so that it feels better and better and better until, BLAM, it feels fantastic and images of Vic Tayback flash into their minds and then they eat a pint of chocolate ice cream?

Yeah.  It's called masturbation.  And apparently most of you love to do it.  And your primary impetus for doing it this summer has been from reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Oh, Vic!  Oh, Ben & Jerry.  I can hear all of you saying on some random Tuesday afternoon.

But because all of you are reading that piece of shit excuse for whacking material, your library has had to buy lots and lots of copies of that piece of shit piece-of-shit.

And the more copies of that piece of shit libraries buy, the less money we have to buy actual good stuff that might enrich your lives instead of giving you that primary inspiration to go and rub one out. When you should be taking your kid to soccer practice.

You might not know this, but books cost money.  And when all you assholes put reserves on for this piece of shit Fifty Shades of Grey, then libraries need to buy more copies for satisfy the holds. And your perverted needs.

So if your library is like mine, you probably spent about $3,000 on this bullshit.  So that's $3,000 less you have to buy glue sticks for your Children's programs.  So now that bunny craft you prepared for the kids has become a take-home craft where you just paper-clipped two ears to a paper plate and shoved it into the hands of a confused and disappointed 2-year-old.

WHAT THE FUCK? That kid just suddenly learned to say, out of thin air.

You just taught that kid to curse!  Are you proud of yourselves?

So do us all a favor, do all libraries a favor, and just masturbate to internet porn.  Or Kelly Ripa. Because that's what I do.  The porn, I mean.  I have a job, so I'm not home to watch Kelly, as hot as she is.

DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.