Thursday, December 8, 2011

You have wasted your life.

Humans define our attempt at civilization by our shared beliefs, our shared experiences. We bond over our memories. Dogs sniff each other's asses, but humans want to know how much you loved last week's episode of Once Upon a Time.

So I wonder how the future will view us, with our shared experiences as compared to others. For example:

Where were you on December 7, 1941?
I was telling my ma that I was going to enlist. She cried. My pa even cried.

Where were you when President Kennedy was shot?
I spent the day with friends, telling them how beautiful they are. And getting high.

Where were you when we landed on the moon?
I was in front of the television. The whole world was in front of the television.

Where were you when on 9/11?
I went out and bought a gun.

Where were you when the first iPhone was released?
I was waiting in line!

I think we'll all remember where we were on June 29, 2007 for the rest of our lives. In 2017, the news media will look back on the 10-year anniversary of the first iPhone and on the lives of those it changed. What? You don't remember where you were on that day? Are you fucking kidding me?

We don't know who the first person was to buy an iPhone that day, but you can bet he was probably a fat, bald white guy in a Weezer tee-shirt. Or an Asian guy in a baseball cap. Or skinny white dude with an Alice Cooper haircut. Or it could have been a woman. There were a lot of women waiting in line to buy the first iPhone. And that's sad because then that makes the whole waiting in line for a hunk of plastic that no one uses anymore seem almost normal. (Does anyone still use the first gen iPhone?)

But, whoever that person is, fifty years from now, when he or she passes away, a country will mourn. And a new generation will ask, Where where you when the first person to buy an iPhone died? And the answer should be, if future human beings still have any standards, Who the fuck cares?


  1. So basically, you're making up a question out of the air... and then criticizing a straw man "society" for asking that question... that you just made up... in 2057.

    Yeah... take that... stupid made up society that only exists inside your own head .... You tell 'em.

  2. if it happens, I predicted it; if it don't, I prevented it. win/win for me. either way, I won't be around to celebrate.