Sunday, October 2, 2011

Librarians Need Pimps.

Have you seen the movie Taken where Liam Neeson is asking the hooker about his daughter and the pimp comes up and takes Liam's money for wasting the hooker's time? Librarians need that.

How many times have you answered your patron's question only to get another question fired right back at you? And sometimes while you're still in the middle of the first question?

I mean, if you don't have your shit together enough to wait to get an answer for something before you want to know something else, you're either a mentally unstable adult, or a 4-year-old.

"Why is the sky blue?" "Why do I have a penis?" "Why can't dogs and cats have babies?" "Where do farts go?"

That was the adult.

But from what movies I've seen, a pimp can help a ho stick to business and not waste time with bullshit. Like eating. Or bathing. Or getting an education. Or anything else that doesn't bring in money. A pimp is like an extremely violent and unstable life coach.

Here comes the Pimp now. After the movie, Taxi Driver, we'll call him Sport. Here is a sampling of his guidance. Here's a thought, has anyone written a book like Tuesdays with Morrie, but with a dying pimp?

Sport (promoting his merchandise):
This librarian here, she's been on the job five years but you'll swear she's done it for twenty. She will blow your mind. With knowledge. She will fuck you up and down with information. You can ask her anything you want. And she will find it. But no rough stuff, no legal or medical advice, all right?

Sport: Are you bothering the librarian? Because I'll bother your ass with my foot.

Sport: Time is money. And your time is about to run out. Like your blood.

Sport: Asshole, the librarian has helped you. She found you a source in India for 12-foot long unfinished mahogany boards and she sent the contact information to your iPhone. And she found you a local periodontist who uses no anesthesia and let's you hold your dog during your gum scraping. And she gave you the phone number for Zooey Deschanel's agent. Now it's time for you to go. Do you really want this to go to the next level?

So, yeah, having a pimp sounds real cool. I'm just not sure how it works with the money thing, since I get a salary and don't get paid by the trick. I'm sure pimps have a sophisticated formula for figuring it out, like taking my whole paycheck. And then punching me in the mouth. Because I'm a librarian and don't make very much.

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